Saturday, April 3, 2010

Yeah... been there.

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When the doctor asked if there was a history of depression in my family, I said no, but later I realized the two alcoholics and the two suicides by gun probably counted.

tags: doctor depression alcoholic suicide family [add]

2010-03-15 14:37:41 / Rating: 166.5 /

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Monday, December 1, 2008

some quotes

"In seeking wisdom thou art wise: in imagining that thou hast attained it - thou art a food." - Lord Chesterfield

"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb

"Dreams are necessary to life." - Anais Nin

"Have patience in all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew." - Sain Francis de Sales

Sunday, November 16, 2008

When did I grow up?

So, I just realized how old I am. I turned 19 on Friday. Sure, that's not old, but my friends are getting married! Rachel Swearingen is now Rachel Brewer. (Brewer? Seriously?) She got married in September. Valen's getting married in January. I missed her bridal shower yesterday because I didn't feel like going home. Rachel apparently thinks she's married. The other day she told me she had a husband and daughter now (which I guess means she's too busy to reply to my suicidal text messages). And Alicia and I have been dating for almost 7 months. That's a long time. I think I'm going to marry her. I'm terrified. I mean, I want to... but I'm terrified. This is all too soon. When did I grow up?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Election Day, '08

There is no one awake to answer my calls. I have received no replies to my text messages. It's 3:30 AM on November 5, 2008. Barrack Obama has been declared the forty-fourth President of the United States of America. He is the first Black man to be elected to the highest rank in our government. I will be nineteen in a week, but I did not vote. I am a republican, but I couldn't bring myself to vote for a party that denies me the right to marry. As much as I long for the day when I can walk down the isle with my beautiful bride, I could not bring myself to vote for a party that denies the rights of unborn children. I couldn't bring myself to make the treck back home to cast an uncertain vote. I was given many opportunities to switch my voter registration to my college town, but was too annoyed by the constant nagging of the college representatives of both parties to do so. My first opportunity to vote for the president, and I chose not to. In spite of the insistence of the media that every vote counts, I do not believe that my vote could have possibly changed anything. And I'm not sure I care. I do regret not exercising my right to vote that the women before me worked so hard for. However, I don't think that decisions such as these should be made without extensive knowledge of the issues. I was told I should vote for Mickey Mouse, just to vote. There's no way in hell I was going to do that. The power to vote is too great to be wasted on a joke like that.

I was at Alicia's apartment when I heard the results of the election. My heart filled with dread and I knew I need to return to my own apartment as soon as possible. As my car rolled to a stop at the base of the Bloomsburg University campus, I was horrified to see hundreds of people crowding the street. The police cars pushed them to the sidewalks in time for me to pass through. My heart raced. Panic seemed through me as I raced up the stairs to my apartment. I informed my roommates of the crowd coming our way. Kelsey grabbed her camera and ran to the seen with me. A hundred people had gathered around the fountain across the street from us and a hundred more were still coming. I was in awe at the sight. People of every race were gathering to celebrate the election of our first black president. The crowd began its march back up to campus, but I hung behind. Once my panic had mostly subsided, I stepped out of myself and followed behind the group. Police from our town and neighboring boroughs tried to block off the streets, but they were no match for this jubilant parade. The crowd gathered once again in front of Carver Hall at the base of campus, ignoring the police warnings to move out of the road. They feared a riot, but this was the most peaceful and joyous gathering I have ever witnessed. I leaned myself against a tree in order to take in the sight. Hundreds of college students cheered, "O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!" To my right I heard one guy sarcastically cheering along, "O-sa-ma!" This is as expected. The similarity in the name had been pointed out since the beginning of Obama's campaign. The crowd cheered on. One African-American girl sang spirituals and other songs of peace. As the police became more annoyed, I saw a small group of African-American students running away from the scene. As one female member of the group lagged behind, another called out, "We're the first to go to jail! Don't you understand?" To which this slower girl replied, "Obama has made us all equal!" Then the speech began: "I had a dream..." The words sent chills down my spine. This was the common feeling. The dream that Dr. Martin Luther King talked about so long ago had finally been accomplished. Obama has made us all equal... I hope.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I keep making mistakes. I keep going backward. I feel like I'm stuck on one of those moving sidewalks, and I'm trying to walk backward. I'm not sure that's an accurate analogy. I feel like shit. Nothing I do is really right. I haven't even tried writing since the semester started. I'm failing at least 3 of my classes. Actually, make that 4. I'm not going to class. I'm not turning in my work on time. Normally I make it to class at least for the tests, but not this semester. I missed the second test in Methods. I've missed two tests in ASL. Ms. Klein never got my midterm paper for Deaf Culture. I don't know why, but she didn't. It doesn't matter. I only wrote half of it anyway. Why am I sucking so bad at this? My current GPA is 2.66. I got B's in both my summer classes. I was so proud of those B's. I never thought I would be happy about a B. What's happening to me? I don't journal anymore. I tried, but I felt like there was nothing I could write that would summarize this semester. I just need to pass all my classes. I can't worry about my GPA at this point. I just need to pass. Unfortunately, school isn't the only thing I'm worrying about.

I'm typing up my notes from my Deaf Culture class. Ms. Klein used this metaphor about a butterfly. The caterpillar is the process of learning. The cocoon is that time when you face your struggles. The butterfly symbolizes flying free when you know who you are. Who am I? I've never known how to answer that. Sure, there are my textbook answers: I'm a girl. I'm a Christian. I grew up in the South. Then there's all that other stuff: I'm a lesbian, a cutter, a poet. I'm clinically depressed. I deal with anxiety on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. I can sleep for upwards of 15 hours a day. I'm a wannabe poet. I'm a decent singer (who can't get out of bed to go to choir practice at 12:30 in the afternoon). But who am I, really? This summer, at the CCM house, Jason supposedly described me as "a depressed lesbian." I suppose that's how people see me. Kelsey calls me her "dikey roommate." But is that all I am? I'm white. Is that an active part of my identity? Is my white-ness as important as my gay-ness? Does my 1% Irish-ness matter at all? What about my tend toward obsession? Or the fact that I like being drunk a little too much? How about that I smoke secretly at night? Does my rocky relationship with my parents explain my outburts toward my girlfriend? Why do I act the way I do? I know I should be better, but I don't know how to change. I feel so lost. Not that that's any different from the last 18 years. I'll be 19 in a week and a half. Am I still a teenager? Does it matter?

I'm a bad student. I'm a bad daughter. I'm a bad girlfriend. I'm a bad person. Or, at least, that's how I see myself.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


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1 CT. T.W. Marquise Diamond Three Stone Ring in 14K White Gold - Zales
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Sunday, June 29, 2008

Chapter 1

The day we moved was a strange one. The sun was bright in the blue sky above us. I looked out my window and noticed a cloud shaped like a pencil. I had always considered pencils to be extremely lucky objects. I knew the day would bring something spectacular from the moment I saw the pencil cloud.

Paige stalked into the room. Obviously, she didn’t share my optimism for the day.

“Mom says to stuff all your junk in this box.” She threw the cardboard box at me. I ducked.

“Thanks, you could have killed me with that. It was headed straight for my head.” I gathered the box and began filling it with my most treasured possessions. A gum-wrapper with my crush’s phone number on it, a plastic bobble-head doll that I swore looked just like a human version of my dog Samson, and an orange jump rope with three knots in the center were the last things I put in the box. I taped the lid shut and stood up to admire my work.

“Hurry it up, Amy!” my dad yelled up the stairs.

“I’m coming!” I grabbed my Cinderella pillow from the corner and began the long journey of scooting the box down the hall. I hadn’t decided how I would manage to get it down the stairs. I suppose I hoped a genie would appear and grant me three wishes like they did in the movies. I would wish for a unicorn, a secret hideout, and a personal assistant to carry the huge box of stuff for me.

“We’re leaving without you!” Paige called from the car. Somehow her voice traveled farther when she was frustrated.

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” I pushed the boxes down the stairs and out the front door. “I’m here!” I said as I fell off the porch. I landed on my pillow with a soft thump. “I’m all right. Don’t anybody bother calling an ambulance.” I brushed myself off and continued the journey to the car.

Samson barked at me from his place in the back seat. It appeared he was saving the seat next to him for me. I climbed in the van. Having completed my duty of getting the enormous box outside, I handed (or rather, pushed) it over to Dad who hoisted it into the U-haul attached to the back of his truck. In a matter of moments we were on our way.

Paige protested our move to the middle of nowhere with a petition signed by all twenty-seven of the kids in her class, three Spidermans, and one George Washington. She insisted it was “a monstrous tragedy to uproot a girl after her first year of junior high.” Surely they would let her spend the rest of her school years living with her best friend.

Our parents looked at the petition, then each other. Then, to Paige’s surprise, they said together, “No.”

“But why?” Paige whined.

There was no answer, just a stern look from both our mother and father. Paige vowed to never speak to either of them ever again. The silence lasted a record-breaking two weeks.

Sitting in the back of the minivan, I wondered what would become of us. How would this move change us? Would this new life be better, or would we wish we had stayed in our big blue house on Main Street?

“What do you think, Samson?” I asked my puppy.

“I think this is stupid. Look around. It’s like they never even entered the twenty-first century!”

I glared at Paige. “I wasn’t talking to you. You were saying, Samson?”

“Aarf!” he replied.

“We’re here,” my mother said as she turned off the road and onto a dirt and pebble driveway.

“Whoopee,” Paige said sarcastically.

Exactly three hours and seventeen minutes after leaving the town I had grown to love, I was standing on our new front porch admiring the view. How different would it be living in the country after living in a bustling small town for the first twelve and a half years of my life? I would soon find out.


“Oh, it’s not that bad,” I tried to console Paige.

“Not that bad! Look around. The only thing around here to do is throw rocks!” Paige picked up a stone and threw it across the backcountry road.

“Mom says there’s an ice-cream shop in town.”

“We’re ten miles out of town. How are we supposed to get there?” Paige tossed another stone across the road. “We don’t even have any neighbors.”

I had no answer. Paige had made her point and made it well. There really was nothing around. There were no other kids for us to play with. I would be stuck with Paige all summer. Suddenly, I wished I had protested with Paige. Maybe two angry daughters would have made a difference.

“Paige! Amy!” We both turned toward the house.

“I guess mom wants us,” I said. We gathered ourselves and headed toward the house.

“What’d you want?” Paige asked when we got inside.

“What?” Mom looked confused.

“You called us. Here we are,” Paige said.

“No, I didn’t. But while you’re here…”

We didn’t know it at the time, but that day would be the start of something bigger than ourselves. Something incredible was about to happen. Our world would soon be turned inside out. There was no way we could have been prepared for the things that were to come.


I'm Grandma-sitting today from 10 am to 4-ish pm. I'm tired, my back hurts, and my nose is all runny. There's also this fly that keeps bugging me. And it smells weird here. I've been trying to write, but I can't. I just can't find any inspiration. I found that story that I started writing in English class at co-op. It amused me greatly. I'll post it once I find the first chapter.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I've basically resigned myself to failing everything. I don't give a shit about any of my classes. They're useless. This semester has just sucked too much. I'll do better next time. I'll try harder. I'll be able to do more. I hope.