Sunday, July 29, 2007
I think a fly just bit my ear.
I'm at the Hammars' right now. It's so gross here. It smells like... everything dirty you can think of. It's not even just the animals, either. I'm supposed to be staying here tonight with Grandma (cause the Hammars went away for the weekend... how do 13 people go away for the weekend, anyway?). I don't think I can do this. The smell alone is making me ill.
On a different note...
I spent the weekend with Valen and Kayce! Yay! We stayed in their brother's camper in his backyard. Yeah. That was odd, but fun. Rachel stayed with us last night. I'm so tired. So, so tired.
I want to go to sleep.
I got a Zen V Plus (aka: a freakin awesome portable media player), though. So I'm content for the moment.
On a different note...
I spent the weekend with Valen and Kayce! Yay! We stayed in their brother's camper in his backyard. Yeah. That was odd, but fun. Rachel stayed with us last night. I'm so tired. So, so tired.
I want to go to sleep.
I got a Zen V Plus (aka: a freakin awesome portable media player), though. So I'm content for the moment.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I'm sitting at the kitchen table, all alone. My parents are away doing something having to do with my dad retiring. I'm bored. I've been reading for 3 hours. Is this how college is going to be? Alone, with only my laptop and a book for company? Or, worse, alone surrounded by people? This isn't normal. I'm not even afraid anymore. I'm mostly just... depressed.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
28 days til the end of my world
So I just got the BU Welcome Weekend schedule. I think I'm going to throw up. 28 days until I move in. I'll find out where I'm living and who my roommate is in a week or so. I'm sick of being scared. It's really starting to get old. I'll be fine... won't I?
Saturday, July 14, 2007
"smile, it's the end of the world"
I still haven't gotten that CD.
So... we're going to Philadelphia tomorrow. Yuck. I don't wanna. I'm tired. I'm gonna be EXHAUSTED. (Is that spelled right? It looks weird in caps.) People are here. Tina, Dawn, Liz, Emily, and Bobby.
So... we're going to Philadelphia tomorrow. Yuck. I don't wanna. I'm tired. I'm gonna be EXHAUSTED. (Is that spelled right? It looks weird in caps.) People are here. Tina, Dawn, Liz, Emily, and Bobby.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
not just dreams and spaghettios
I don't know if people realize this, but I'm dead serious about my world ending on August 21st. I don't know what I'm going to do. I seriously haven't felt this way since.... well, almost forever. It's like there's nothing left. I'm about to be pushed from the next a few years too soon. I'm being thrown from a building with only solid concrete at the bottom. It'd be bad enough if my friends were all dispersing at the same time, but they're not. I'm the one who's leaving. They say I'll come back on weekends and breaks and stuff. But that doesn't help. I'm going to change. I can feel it. I've changed so much in the last year... and I haven't even left yet. Who I'm becoming doesn't fit in my world. My world is ending... or at least, I'm leaving my world. This isn't like going to IUP. This isn't even like grade 6 at Susquenita. This is a whole different ball game. A whole new world that I know nothing about. I'm not sure I know how to live in that world. I'm not sure I want to.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
no longer a working girl
NO MORE WORKING AT MUTZY'S!!!! YAY!!!!
....
at least until next summer. *sigh*
....
at least until next summer. *sigh*
"I wanna lay my head down on you because you're the only solid thing in this room."
I've been reading the facebook wall for the Bloom 2011 class. The people don't seem to completely suck. They were talking about shopping for stuff for college. That was pretty amusing. There are definitely some people there that I'll want to stay very far away from. But I doubt they're all stupid like them. I've seen a few that seem like my type of person.
Yes. I'm starting to feel better again. I'm still petrified, though.
Yes. I'm starting to feel better again. I'm still petrified, though.
Monday, July 9, 2007
writer's block spurs blogging
*sigh* I should be going to bed, not staring at the 29 documents in a folder titled "unfinished poems." Some of them are from as far back as 2004. I've spend 4 years saying the same thing over and over again. Sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it doesn't. I've written 223 poems. Maybe 50 of them are actually presentable. I wish I could write about that ant crawling on my lamp -- the tiny being that brings me both fear and hatred -- but I can't. All I've ever written about successfully (like anything I've ever written has been successful) is love and depression. This sucks.
the sky is falling! the sky is falling!
So Fallon and I talked for a while at work tonight. I can't believe I'm actually sad that I'm quitting. Fallon, you suck for making me sad that I'm quitting. (Not that you're reading this or anything.)
Did I write about last night yet? Last night was fun. Me, Jon, Jose, and Ellexis.... Yeah, it was fun.
I feel like such a stalker. I look at all these people's Myspaces, but I never talk to them. gah, I suck. I need more e-guts. Of course, I can't talk to people in real life, why should I be able to talk to them online? OK. Online should be easier, and it is.... which sucks, too. I always say stupid stuff online that I would never say in real life. Of course, I say stupid stuff in real life all the time, too... which is why I don't talk. Ever. See? I have a plan.
(wow. I love blogging.)
(mo-blogging rocks even more.) (mostly just cause it's fun to say. "mo-blogging." aka. mobile blogging.)
(why am I talking in parentheses?)
I'm going now.
Did I write about last night yet? Last night was fun. Me, Jon, Jose, and Ellexis.... Yeah, it was fun.
I feel like such a stalker. I look at all these people's Myspaces, but I never talk to them. gah, I suck. I need more e-guts. Of course, I can't talk to people in real life, why should I be able to talk to them online? OK. Online should be easier, and it is.... which sucks, too. I always say stupid stuff online that I would never say in real life. Of course, I say stupid stuff in real life all the time, too... which is why I don't talk. Ever. See? I have a plan.
(wow. I love blogging.)
(mo-blogging rocks even more.) (mostly just cause it's fun to say. "mo-blogging." aka. mobile blogging.)
(why am I talking in parentheses?)
I'm going now.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Amanda loves my big brain. I'm glad somebody does.
So work didn't totally suck tonight. It was actually pretty fun[ny]. Me, Jose, Jon, and Ellexis... all hyper. I'm pretty sure that equals hilarity. At least tonight it did.
44 days till the end of my world.
and I'm scared out of my mind.
I haven't written for too long. (too long = about a week in my world) But seriously. I haven't written anything of any substance for a while. It's driving me nuts. I just don't feel it anymore. That's not true. Sometimes I feel it. I just can't seem to get it all worked out long enough to write it down. It's this college crap. Even the idea has me scared stiff. I'm pretty sure I'd rather do anything else... except maybe work at Mutzy's for the rest of my life. Though, right now, the idea of having to enter that cafeteria twice every day for the next 4 years (even when I just look at it 4 months at a time, like my mom keeps telling me to) is quite possibly worse than working at Mutzy's till I die. I'm not social. I don't want to be social. I wanted to schedule my classes to avoid the noon lunchtime. Just my luck. Freshman have basically no control over their schedules. Even being in the honors doesn't help me so much there. Not only am I stuck with morning classes, I'm stuck with a noon lunch-hour. I'm not going to do it the first few weeks. I don't think I can. I barely survived at orientation, and that can't possibly be as bad the normal noon-lunch.
No, I don't want to stay here for the rest of my life. It's time I moved on. But why do I have to go alone? Why can't I have any friends with any ambition? That's not fair, I know. Dan and Sarah H. are going to HACC, but that's here. And Marsia's going to Ithaca. She's certainly got ambition. Unfortunately, Ithaca isn't Bloomsburg. It's nowhere near Bloomsburg. Naomi's not going to school till next year. She's going to a Christian school anyway. So, here we are. Back at the beginning. I'm going to college completely alone. And basically defenseless. It's been so long since I've been in school. (HACC doesn't count. It's not based on social connections.) I don't even know what high school is like. Is it anything like elementary school was? It must be worse, cause elementary wasn't that bad. College isn't supposed to be like high school. But why would it be any different. One summer can't change people that much. Maybe because it's an all new set of people... but they're all coming from the same situation. Except me -- I'm coming from nowhere. I'm socially inept. I don't understand things that I should. I live in a different world than my soon-to-be peers.
44 days till the end of my world.
Help.
I haven't written for too long. (too long = about a week in my world) But seriously. I haven't written anything of any substance for a while. It's driving me nuts. I just don't feel it anymore. That's not true. Sometimes I feel it. I just can't seem to get it all worked out long enough to write it down. It's this college crap. Even the idea has me scared stiff. I'm pretty sure I'd rather do anything else... except maybe work at Mutzy's for the rest of my life. Though, right now, the idea of having to enter that cafeteria twice every day for the next 4 years (even when I just look at it 4 months at a time, like my mom keeps telling me to) is quite possibly worse than working at Mutzy's till I die. I'm not social. I don't want to be social. I wanted to schedule my classes to avoid the noon lunchtime. Just my luck. Freshman have basically no control over their schedules. Even being in the honors doesn't help me so much there. Not only am I stuck with morning classes, I'm stuck with a noon lunch-hour. I'm not going to do it the first few weeks. I don't think I can. I barely survived at orientation, and that can't possibly be as bad the normal noon-lunch.
No, I don't want to stay here for the rest of my life. It's time I moved on. But why do I have to go alone? Why can't I have any friends with any ambition? That's not fair, I know. Dan and Sarah H. are going to HACC, but that's here. And Marsia's going to Ithaca. She's certainly got ambition. Unfortunately, Ithaca isn't Bloomsburg. It's nowhere near Bloomsburg. Naomi's not going to school till next year. She's going to a Christian school anyway. So, here we are. Back at the beginning. I'm going to college completely alone. And basically defenseless. It's been so long since I've been in school. (HACC doesn't count. It's not based on social connections.) I don't even know what high school is like. Is it anything like elementary school was? It must be worse, cause elementary wasn't that bad. College isn't supposed to be like high school. But why would it be any different. One summer can't change people that much. Maybe because it's an all new set of people... but they're all coming from the same situation. Except me -- I'm coming from nowhere. I'm socially inept. I don't understand things that I should. I live in a different world than my soon-to-be peers.
44 days till the end of my world.
Help.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Sunday, July 1, 2007
July 1 - 7
Sunday (1): work 4 - 9:30PM
Monday (2): work
Tuesday (3): work
Wednesday (4): Happy 4th!.... sleep.
Thursday (5): nada
Friday (6): zip
Saturday (7): work
Monday (2): work
Tuesday (3): work
Wednesday (4): Happy 4th!.... sleep.
Thursday (5): nada
Friday (6): zip
Saturday (7): work
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